“Trust your instinct,” is a well-established piece of advice in our culture. But what if your instinct about a situation is wrong?
Sometimes an instinct can be confused with a belief. Life experiences can lead us toward a belief about the world that is based more on emotion than fact. It is human nature. We learn from our experiences, draw conclusions and develop beliefs about ourselves and the world. None of us are immune to it.
When we make assumptions about the thoughts, behaviors or intentions of other people, however, sometimes we are simply wrong.
Perhaps we’ve had life experiences that point toward a certain reality, but that doesn’t mean that our thoughts are accurate. Beliefs about a situation are fed by past experience, which makes us biased. We see things through these lenses to try to make sense of our world and to protect ourselves from pain.
Intuition is less biased.
It is a gut feeling and not necessarily based on our past experiences with others. These two concepts (instincts and beliefs) are so similar that they can be mistaken for one another. The difference between belief and instinct is important, because this difference is often the key factor in what is known as “projection.”
Projection is a psychological concept in which one person believes someone else is thinking or doing something that he or she doesn’t actually know to be true.
It can be simply an incorrect, fear-based thought or a more complicated paradox of altered belief.
An easy example of projection is a person who distrusts their partner’s fidelity. If the person is distrustful of their partner because they have a gut feeling that he or she is cheating, that is instinct. If a person has drawn the conclusion that their partner is cheating because other partners in the past have cheated on them, that is one type of projection.
An even more complicated type of projection is the person making an assumption about their partner cheating, but it is based on their own underlying desire to cheat. Sometimes a person is so invested in viewing themselves as righteous, they cannot admit to themselves that those thoughts and feelings even exist within.
Those situations can result in a solid belief that others possess the negative traits and qualities that they reject within themselves. It is a way to judge a thought, feeling or behavior without admitting that it is part of oneself.
Recognizing Your Inner Projector
We don’t have to be at the mercy of our projections. It may take a little self-exploration, but we can become more aware of the things that set off our “projectors.”
Examine the bias:
Self-examination around projection can be tricky. None of us want to willingly admit that we are jumping to conclusions, even if on some level we hope to be wrong. Look at your history and some of the ways negative experiences have shaped your beliefs about yourself or others.
For example, with fears of a partner’s infidelity, are you prone to distrust? If so, what has caused this? Allow yourself to let your inner guard down and honor the truth within you.
Write it out:
Create a three-columned list. In the first column write the worry thought or belief; the second column write what you know for a fact. In the third column write what your guesses or assumptions are.
Be careful to separate out your guesses from your facts.
If you simply have a feeling about something and it is based on past experiences or your own underlying realities, it is not a fact. It is important to distinguish these two things since it forces you to acknowledge the discrepancies and the places in which emotions are guiding you.
This is not intended to discredit your instinct; that is an important part of your self-preservation that you should pay attention to. It is a means of separating out thoughts, facts and feelings. We are not robots and our feelings do matter, but it’s equally as important to make an informed decision using our minds and hearts.
Confide in a counselor:
If you are feeling tormented by these concerns, it may help to talk to a licensed therapist. Friends and family can offer help, but the objectivity of a professional who has no personal stake in the situation can be refreshing. Confidentiality is also a comfort, particularly when the circumstances are messy or stakes are high.
Dealing With Others’ Projections
There is no solid way to know when someone else is making you the object of their projection, but you can sometimes gauge it by the way you are being treated. If a loved one is making assumptions about you based on their own past or their own underlying feelings, you will probably either sense the tension or they will come right out and tell you.
Ask questions:
Don’t allow this to become the ‘elephant in the room’ in your relationship. Encourage your loved one to talk with you about their feelings, fears and thoughts. Ask questions about their fears and beliefs and try to learn where he or she is coming from so you can work together on a solution.
Approach with empathy:
A person who is engaged in projection may not even realize they are doing it, and it may truly be based out of fear. Envision yourself in this person’s mindset and sit with how that would feel. Reacting with empathy is a way to disarm someone who is actively projecting.
It helps him or her realize you aren’t taking it personally and that you realize this hurt is not necessarily about something you have done. Defensive behavior only makes it worse. Take off the boxing gloves and work toward understanding.
Restate your intentions and your truth:
It can be tempting to go into one’s own judgmental space when one is faced with projection from a loved one. If an entire relationship is consumed by the projections, it is not likely to stand the test of time.
But projections that can be explored, addressed and repaired can be a way toward a closer relationship. Be open and honest. Express yourself in a way that encourages the other person to also be open.
Projection within an intimate relationship can be toxic but it doesn’t have to be.
It can be a learning opportunity and a way to build trust if it’s handled with supportive and loving intentions. Couples counseling can also be a helpful place for people to examine the impact of projection and to work on underlying areas of pain from which it stems.
Projection may coexist with depression and anxiety for some.
Challenges with self-esteem are often a burden for those who use a lot of projection. Whether you are working through your own struggles with it or helping a loved one, addressing projection can make a major difference in quality of life.