Compassionate Support For The Aspiring Professional

LICENSED PROFESSIONAL CLINICAL COUNSELOR
ADJUNCT PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY, GSEP PEPPERDINE UNIVERSITY

LOS ANGELES (BEVERLY HILLS, DTLA, MALIBU)

Polyamory: Pros and Cons for Couples

Infidelity has been the downfall of hundreds of thousands of relationships. In response to this problem, some couples opt to name the elephant in the room and simply acknowledge that partnering with only one person is too much to ask. 

For couples who make the decision to have an open, or polyamorous relationship, it seems like an obvious choice, while more traditional, monogamous couples may see this as a recipe for disaster. Both are right.

Pros of Polyamory

Partners who opt for polyamory offer many compelling arguments as to why this lifestyle meets their needs. Often one of the first points is, having multiple partners is more in line with how the animal kingdom operates. 

Few species mate for life; animals act on their instincts about sexual partners, and this rarely means one specific animal, but an array. 

People who decide to have an open relationship with their partner also have the benefit of honesty in their favor. When polyamory is the deal, couples do not need to sneak around, lie, and practice deceit; it allows people to be open about their sexual needs with their partners. 

Polyamorous couples are liberated from the shame and guilt of “cheating,” and it provides a level of freedom and openness about sexuality that traditionally committed relationships do not. There is no lying or misleading. The relationship is an open book. So, with all this honesty and openness, what could possibly go wrong?

Cons of Polyamory

In theory, polyamory sounds like it would be a good solution to infidelity; it’s not cheating if both members of a relationship condone and support it, right? The problem often lies in the fact that human emotions are not that neat and tidy. Sometimes sex is just sex. 

But often, sex is only a symptom of something deeper and more meaningful taking place. When a couple agrees in advance to having multiple sexual partners, it is often also understood that the couple’s primary relationship is one another. 

But the intimacy of sex also acts as a bonding behavior; feelings develop, and it can become far more complicated to maintain the original dynamic of the couple who decided to have the open relationship. 

Polyamorous couples usually establish rules about their extra-curricular sexual encounters, such as no bringing a lover into the home, and using safe sexual practices. 

Some couples ask that their partner inform them when they are getting involved with another person. Even with these rules in place, feelings can be hurt, because the connections with other people outside the relationship can feel threatening to the bond. 

The urge to preserve love is powerful, and polyamory, while seemingly a solution to the “cheating” problem, can introduce a new problem, emotional interference. 

Is Polyamory Right for You? Maybe.

Often couples who agree to polyamorous relationships struggle with maintaining the rules. That’s not to say that polyamory is a bad arrangement, but it is definitely a sign that the complexities require a lot of discussion, soul-searching and troubleshooting if a couple decides to pursue it. 

The challenges of this arrangement make it unsuitable for most people, but for other couples, it can be an ideal alternative to infidelity and deceit. More traditional couples may find that maintaining a commitment to one person is best. 

There is no one-way to do a relationship but approaching it with honesty and respect is crucial if it is going to last.

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