A wise person once said, guilt is instructive, and shame is destructive.
Guilt tells us that we did something to feel badly about. It instructs us to avoid doing it again and to make amends for our wrongdoing. Shame is a bit more insidious. It tells us we need to feel badly about who we are. Shame doesn’t help, it only hurts.
People who struggle with depression are often hit with an excessive amount of both guilt and shame.
Depression lies.
It tells us that we’ve done something to feel badly about, even when there is no evidence to support that guilt. Depression tells us we should feel shame about ourselves even when there is nothing to be ashamed of.
When depression lies and inflicts undeserved guilt and shame, it is easier to fall prey to cognitive distortions. These incorrect thoughts reinforce feelings of depression. Often this turns into a chain reaction in which the thoughts and feelings feed into less-than-healthy coping strategies.
The cycle continues, each reinforcing the other in a terrible pattern of misery.
Common Examples Of Depressive Guilt
While there is no exact replica of depressive guilt from person to person, there are some common themes that many people experience. Do any of these sound familiar to you?
‘Shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’t haves’ become mainstream:
Self-doubt prevails with depressive guilt. There is a chronic thought that one should have done things differently. Often the distortion turns into a belief about one’s inability to make good choices.
Feeling responsible for things you didn’t cause:
Guilt and depression can even cause distortions in the way one views past events. Often people look back on past situations and assign blame to themselves, even when there really is no legitimate blame to take.
An example of this is someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. Grief, depression and guilt are all common parts of the bereavement process.
Guilt about self-care and having needs:
Many of us have multiple roles in our lives between work and home responsibilities. Depression and cognitive distortion can usher in feelings of guilt about one’s own needs.
These thoughts and feelings can result in being unable to say no when one should or overlooking signs of fatigue.
Common Examples Of Depressive Shame
Shame is the ultimate in negative self-evaluation. It is depression’s way of saying ‘you’re a bad person.’ Here are some common thoughts and feelings that can perpetuate shame in people with depression.
Not feeling ‘good enough’:
Depressive shame causes us to judge ourselves unfairly. Even when one doesn’t have a solid reason to feel inferior, shame will create one.
Adopting the unfair judgments of others as truth:
People with depression are more prone to buying into the negative judgements of others. Accepting the shame and blame of others is easier to do when we are already feeling defeated by depression.
Misjudging traits for flaws:
In someone with depression, shame works at the mind to convince it that normal traits and idiosyncrasies of oneself are flaws. This can turn into distorted body image, negative judgments about one’s mind or any other aspect of self.
Fighting Guilt And Shame
All of this doom and gloom isn’t necessarily permanent. We can overcome the cognitive distortions that cause undue guilt and shame. This mental work is called Cognitive Restructuring and is a common practice of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
We can work on noticing our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
From there we can identify ways to make changes in these three factors. This often translates into a more accurate view of oneself and can be transformative.
Once we begin to untangle the thoughts and feelings and the way these affect behavior, it becomes more clear which thoughts are toxic and need to go. “I’m not good enough” can then be replaced with more realistic thoughts such as “I have good and bad qualities just like everyone else.”
Hints For Untangling Guilt and Shame:
Don’t let it silence you:
One of the things that perpetuates guilt and shame is silence. They feed on silence, where they can manipulate your thoughts without interruption. Talk about your feelings of guilt, shame and depression with someone you trust.
A professional therapist is a safe person to openly discuss these themes, and your information will be kept confidential.
Put your thoughts to a reality test:
We expect scientists to make a hypothesis and then objectively test a theory for proof that it works, but in our own minds we jump to all sorts of false conclusions. Particularly when depressed.
If you are feeling guilty about something, that’s all the more reason to reality test it. Make your assumptions jump through a few hoops. Ask yourself: is there another possible explanation or possibility? Is there evidence to support my theory?
Ask someone close to you what their thoughts and perspectives are. Maybe you are personalizing a situation more than you should be. It can be difficult to see it when you are looking at it from a place of emotion.
Look for the good in yourself:
Challenge yourself to catch negative self-talk (which translates easily into guilt and shame). When you catch yourself doing this replace those thoughts with a more objective, less biased version.
It may help to counter the thought entirely by using a mantra that resonates with you, such as “I honor the best parts of myself.”
Guilt and shame are perfectly normal emotions but that doesn’t mean they feel good.
If you use guilty feelings as indicators of life changes that line up with your values, that is a positive use of a difficult emotion. Allow your guilt to instruct your future behavior. Shame never helped a soul.
The best ways to counter shame is tackling the underlying factors that make those thoughts feel true.
As you begin to untangle guilt and shame from depression, it may result in a decrease in depressive symptoms. Often our thoughts and feelings can alter our physical health. Guilt and shame are heavy burdens. They may bring additional fatigue, sleep issues and tearfulness, and may even impact eating habits and sex drive.
No one deserves to be mired in guilt and shame.
When unresolved, these things can become deeply rooted ways of living. The longer guilt and shame go unchallenged, the more they fester into aspects of personality and impact relationships with others. There can be peace from guilt and shame with some self-reflection and self-compassion.