When someone asks you “what are the most important traits in an intimate relationship?” it is very likely that honesty will be near the top of that list.
Honesty is one of those things that is easy in theory, but more difficult in practice.
If one is committed to being honest 100% of the time, it requires considerable self-reflection. Honesty can catapult an intimate relationship. It can create a level of connection, intimacy and vulnerability that nothing else can accomplish.
How honest should you be, though?
The level of honesty one commits to in a relationship should equal the depth one hopes to reach in that relationship. Let’s look at it with a pond analogy.
On the edge of the pond, the water is warmer, it is quite shallow and you don’t expect to get very wet. You aren’t very vulnerable, as you can take a step back at any time and be out of the pond completely. It is also not very refreshing.
Partial honesty and “white lies” keep you at the shallow edge of the pond in a relationship.
There is great vulnerability in stepping out into the deeper part of the pond. It tells your partner “we are strong enough for me to be real with you,” and “I have confidence in your ability to tolerate the truth.”
Being honest in a relationship is also a way to demonstrate your own vulnerability to your partner. It implies that you value the integrity of the relationship and put that above your own self-protection.
Fostering Honesty In Your Relationship
Honesty in a relationship works only if it is mutual.
If one of the partners is open and honest and the other feels the need to stay at the edge of that proverbial pond, it won’t work. Both people need to be in the pond. All the way. Together.
Set ground rules:
If you and your partner are venturing into this full-honesty thing, be mindful that it may hurt, at times. Set some rules ahead of time so that you have an understanding of the areas that might get sticky. One of the first rules that might be useful is “don’t ask a question if you truly do not want the answer.”
This rule establishes a thought process that must go into your dialogue if you want an honest relationship that doesn’t also break your heart.
Establish a code word:
As bizarre as this may sound, you may need a code word. If you need to be honest about something but fear your partner may be hurt by what you need to share, a code word will communicate this simply and succinctly.
When a code word is agreed upon ahead of time, it will avoid a lengthy discussion about it in the moment of truth. (Literally).
Approach honesty with compassion:
Being honest and blurting out the truth about everything isn’t enough. In order to grow from your honesty with one another, a mutual sense of compassion and care must co-exist. Make an agreement with one another about compassionate communication that is based in honesty, respect and love.
Honesty isn’t an excuse to filet your partner’s feelings and use brutality.
Consider how you would want a particular message to be shared with you. Strive to communicate truth with clarity, while maintaining your loving compassion. While this is not an easy task, it is worthy of your dedication. It will bring you and your partner closer.
When Honesty Feels Impossible
Some people truly struggle with being honest. Perhaps it is a result of childhood experiences in which lying was part of emotional survival. Or maybe it stems from a place of deeply rooted challenges with self-worth and people-pleasing.
There is a certain amount of security that one needs when agreeing to be honest. Those who have had a difficult childhood or prior experiences with rejection may find this even more challenging than most.
For people who struggle with honesty, this work is even more important. Lack of honesty can ruin a relationship faster than any other factor and chips away at self-worth.
If you are struggling to be honest with your partner, ask yourself some questions about it.
- What is the most challenging part of honesty for me?
- What do I fear most about being honest with my partner?
- What are the pros and cons of having a completely honest relationship?
- Can I tolerate honesty from others?
- What do I need from my partner when it comes to being honest?
- Would my partner and I benefit from couples counseling to improve our communication?
- Would I benefit from individual counseling to process my own difficulties with being open and honest with others?
As you begin to work toward honesty in your intimate relationship, practice it in other parts of your life. White lies and half-truths are the easiest place to start. If you find yourself relying on these “easy outs” challenge yourself to be more truthful. Set your own bar on the honesty meter.
Do you want to be a “no omissions” type of honest person?
You get to decide how much honesty is the right amount. When you discover the self-esteem boosting effects of being honest, practice being more honest about the larger issues. Broaden your honesty-circle to include co-workers, friends and family.
Honesty won’t be comfortable, but your level of satisfaction with yourself will improve.
Integrity is the most valuable part of living a life of honesty. When you look back on your life, you’ll never regret a life of integrity, truth and compassion.
It is also valuable to consider the ways in which others will reflect back on their interactions with you. Will loved ones know that you honored them enough to be honest? Will your partner reflect back on his or her time with you and think of you as a person they could trust?
Honesty is sometimes a tough path to follow, but ultimately it brings a great deal of self-respect and freedom. It brings heightened levels of trust, security and authenticity to intimate relationships.